Today, I thought I'd share with you what happened to me this morning. It was profound and very powerful and I feel that a part of me was reacquainted with an early aspect of myself I'd locked up long ago. First, I'll back it up a bit by reintroducing you to my main character in my books in the White Bird series, Crystal Blue. As many authors do, I put a bit of my own experiences into my characters back-story, if not for any other reason than it's very cathartic and has helped me deal and heal with many of my past issues. For Crystal I created her a bit damaged, because frankly, I believe we all are to some extent a bit damaged by our childhood and teenage years, sometimes going into our 20s and 30s. So, for those of you who've read my first novel Illuminating Crystal, you know that Crystal had a very hard time when she was a preteen after her grandparents moved her and her sister Claire from Ireland to America. Claire handled the move well, but Crystal didn't and she had help: the kids in school made her life miserable. I can't divulge any more than that for fear of giving too much of Crystal and her inner conflicts away.
So, back to the present. This morning as Linda and I sat in our living room drinking our morning coffee and knitting, we got to talking about how our past can sometimes define us. Both she and I are Scorpios and we handle ourselves quietly; it's not common for either of us to share our problems with others, it's just not our style. I told her there were a few episodes in my early life that I really struggled with and shared with my mother; one in particular was brutal for me to overcome. If you're a girl you can imagine, and some of you completely understand, what happens when one girl, or worse two or three, decides that she doesn't like you, and if that girl is 'snotty' or a bit 'mean spirited' by nature and popular with both the boys and the girls, well you're pretty well sunk. Something like this happened to me in the sixth grade. Three girls who'd been my best friends decided I was no longer their friend and worked quite diligently to get as many kids as they could to snub me. Ouch. Some people can bounce back from stuff like this, but I couldn't. It hurt like hell and took me years to get over. In fact, what I realized this morning, that scenario changed me and defined me for many, many years. Before this, I'd been very confident and out-going with my friends and I felt comfortable being me. But when my trusting nature was abused I became afraid to show this aspect of myself to the world and I changed, becoming shy and withdrawn, afraid to make new friends fearing they would turn around and do to me what the three girls had done.
You see we'd been a tight group and two of these girls got in a fight, which wasn't unusual as they tended to do this a lot. But this time they wanted me and the other girl to choose sides, and I wouldn't. I knew that the whole thing would blow over, and plus, I never took sides, I thought it was stupid and harmful. So then that same day, one of the girls asked me to come to their house, and I did. Then the next day, they wouldn't speak to me because they said I was a backstabber, which I wasn't and there was nothing I could do or say to change their minds. I was out. Without dwelling too much on the particulars, I was outcast for being myself and became afraid of this confident girl, soon, no longer trusting my extincts.
Now, I must say that I have healed this long ago through various ways. I know that I put these three girls into my life for a reason and they taught me a lot and I forgave them many years ago.
So let's get to the profound and powerful moment. Like I said, I used to be confident, never worried about anything, and pretty much knew what I was about, and I never questioned it. That was pre-sixth grade. This morning, as I began to share with Linda about what happened to me, a powerful memory returned. I was about 11 or 12 and I was standing in our front yard on our gravel driveway without shoes, I never wore shoes. As I stood there, looking down the road I thought to myself, I am going to be a writer when I grow up, and if I'm not a writer I'm going to be an artist. I knew why I came to the planet and there was never a question who I was. I understood life, people, animals and I wasn't afraid of anything. Boy, I'll tell you what. When that memory came at me this morning, I felt transported and I couldn't even talk. I feel that I was reintroduced to a piece of me I left behind; the girl who wasn't afraid of the dark, of being alone, the true me, the real me. I was overcome with tears and gratitude and love for me.
I'm a writer, a painter, a gardener, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, but most importantly of all, I am me, a divine spirit who's whole and complete. I am that I am. And I am grateful to be on the planet at this time, becoming reacquainted with myself ever day.
I would encourage each of you to go back and find a piece of yourself you left behind, whether it was due to a dramatic experience or something else, it's amazing how much passion and power you have when you begin pulling yourself together!
Blessings to you all on this beautiful August afternoon,
Paula
